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Nov. 26th, 2009 @ 04:39 pm
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I had a talk with one of my friends last night about the holidays. I asked boy if he was looking forward to it and he said yeah - he didn't sound excited. He asked if I was, too. I said that I guess, but it really just feels like any other day. He said I should be more excited about the holidays. I mentioned the conversation to a friend and we started to talk about it. It summed up to something like, without family there isn't much point in seeing it as anything other than just another day. He spent a lot of holidays over in Iraq so he became not used to celebrating. I just realized this last night, but I think I stopped feeling the holidays were special when my sister stopped coming to visit. I was always so happy to see her (and her cat, at first - then her new family). Now she doesn't bother. She spends her life with him and his family. I hope that makes her happy because it sure as hell depresses me and mom. We have each other, but with just us two it really doesn't seem like anything special. She cooks a few things, but it's nothing to get excited about. We watched some episodes of Old Christine and ate lunch... and that was it. An hour or so and it was over. Every holiday is like that.
How the hell am I supposed to get excited about that? And it's not just this boy, it is *almost* every boy I have ever dated - chiding me for not being ecstatic during the holidays. And every one of them has had these perfect families - huge and loving and always around.
I wish I could find someone who understands instead of just having to pretend I'm not who I am. Just once I'd love for someone to hold my hand and keep me from being sad when I'm dragged to family events, but no.. I'm usually left to socialize with people I barely know - sometimes it's not so bad, but a lot of the time I just feel horribly awkward and alone. It's easier just to run away. I wish I was better at that if I can't be someone else. |
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Oct. 27th, 2009 @ 05:12 pm
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I miss posting about happy things. I was thinking, "why don't I post more often when I'm happy?", but I realized... when I'm happy, I'd rather just BE happy instead of writing about it. I've sort of developed into this pattern of complaining instead of sharing, mostly because of the reaction I get when I do share. (It's mostly along the lines of "that's nice, let me tell you about me" - not from any specific person, really, just almost everyone.)
Mom's birthday is on Thursday - I started making her something and haven't finished it yet, but I am semi-confident I can get it done in time. Two tests on the same day to study for... I'm getting into the "I'm sick of school" mode again - I can barely make myself read the chapters, much less study.
Last weekend, we finally got around to painting my cabinet. It still needs some work, but at least something got done. It's been sitting around for years gathering dust while my thread remains in the box, all tangled together. I have decided on a Chuang Tzu theme, I think. Butterflies.
Still have not finished my test dress, nor edited any more photos... nor taken any new ones. Lacking in the general getting-stuff-done department, as usual. |
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Aug. 26th, 2009 @ 11:29 am
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Went for a 30 minute jog... err... more of a walk, really. I forgot how much it hurts to run if there is anything in my stomach. I ate like 6 hours ago, but it doesn't matter apparently. Need to start eating soup for breakfast again if I'm going to try to get into a new running habit. Needless to say, I'm feeling better, albeit sweaty and tired.
I found my Blacq Audio CD on mom's laptop. Forgot how much I liked some of their songs, favourite being Snuff On Digital. Also found a Dionysus CD on here - how I've missed them! Mmm, French songs about Monsters. ;)
Going to mop the floors, take a shower, go to the dentist, and then buy a salad to bring home for lunch. Hopefully one of my books will come so I can start working on reading... Supposedly you're supposed to study 3 hours outside of class for every hour in, so I'm going to try that and see if it ups my grades any. Spent an hour in Stats 2 and about 45 minutes in marketing, so that's about 5 hours so far for those two classes when I get my books. Going to buy the book that was backordered tomorrow... for principles of management (with MRS. Linkovich! I hope she teaches the same way as her hubby did).
<3 |
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Aug. 26th, 2009 @ 09:03 am
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Happy birthday to Jeshi~!
I didn't forget the day, although I forgot to prepare ahead of time. :(
Definitely will think of something! |
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Aug. 9th, 2009 @ 02:42 pm
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Love is waking up in the middle of the night to find strong, warm arms around you while you sleep, making you feel safe and loved even though you acted like a brat all day and don't deserve it.
Only been a few hours away and I miss him already. As usual. |
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Having such a wonderful couple of days...
Jazzy the dog is dying from stomach cancer and old age, I spilled tea ALL over the office carpet (but we got it all cleaned up - I hope), my stomach has been sore, it's my time of the month, I just cut my leg up shaving (not a cut, but a series of little dots - no idea what happened), oh and... I hit at car at a stop sign this morning at 5:30a.m. I swear, I would like to throttle whoever made this little intersection - it disoriented me (driving in the dark is bad enough) and I just.. ran into the corner of this guy's car. He was really nice and it was just a scratch, but it's not exactly something that I really want to deal with right now. Mom googled him while I was sleeping and said he was the head security guy of some big company and is some ex-army guy, so we're fairly sure he won't con us, but it still sucks! She went out and looked at my car and the first thing she said when I woke up was "it's not bad, probably just needs a little paint."
Changed my facebook status to "I hit a car" and my sister responds within a couple minutes - yet she never answers emails when I need information from her, doesn't call mom to keep her from worrying, etc...
Haven't heard from my father in weeks. Shock. Hope the tortoise isn't dead because I'm not going over there to check on it without being ASKED. Same with mail. For all we know, he isn't going on the trip and just didn't feel like keeping us informed. I said to my mom, "too bad I didn't hit HIS car - he'd never get around to calling me to get it worked out." She nodded.
Going to lunch with mom then going to get the melted dash of my car looked at (seriously, wtf? how does a car just MELT?) and see how much it'll cost to fix... not that I really care - got a big scrape on my front now (my fault), a huge section where the paint is peeling in the back where someone hit it while I was in class and didn't leave a note (bastard - at least stop and write "sorry!!!" on a piece of paper if you're too scared to be a proper human being), the trunk lever is broken off (some idiot at a carwash my mom took my car to - he gave me a card and offered to fix it, but I'd rather just use my key to open the trunk anyway), etc...
So... food, dropping my car off, and then very possibly just going to bed until Ryan can come over.
As frustrated as we get with each other, I have NEVER left with the mindset of "I'm happy to be leaving" - it's always hugs and kisses and pouting - and I think I'd rather just be arguing than have to leave, as odd as that is.
Aug. 3rd, 2009 @ 12:13 pm
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Kam has been posting these beautiful little poems of NeoTerra members and... she did one for me! Aww. :)
-Navarre-
Never leaving her side
Anxiously waiting for that one precious smile
Voices telling me that I'm a fool
And that I should leave you be
Ridiculous as it may be
Rummaging through old photos of us
Engaging in memories of time past just to see that precious smile one last time
Kam is eerily good at reading people, I think... I like it. <3
Aug. 1st, 2009 @ 06:42 am
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Feeling pretty accomplished - got rid of the tv on my desk, so hopefully I can put something pretty there instead. Ryan helped me get my closet floor cleaned up, so I can walk in there now... but I still need to figure out something to do about all those clothes. Where did they all come from?!
Got some texts from Bump this morning - feels like it's been ages, but it's only been half a year. He asked if I could take the 5 day pass and log in to send him some of the items I was holding when I quit. Downloading on mom's laptop since mine is so full. Might be nice to get caught up with everyone, but I definitely don't want to play again.
Going to get dressed and take the trash from my closet out soon, then going down to the bank with mom and getting the money from our CDs transferred... pretty exciting, but I don't have anywhere to put it now that the rates are so low. :(
Jul. 29th, 2009 @ 11:39 am
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Bed at 7:30am, up at 3:00pm... bed is too comfy, didn't want to get up at all.
Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 02:54 pm
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Jens messaged me today asking how I was.
I let him know I'm now very well, thank you. (He just found out a few days ago from the ex that we are no longer together) He's happy for me.
He got a month away from his wife and kids and said it wasn't enough for him.
I really hope that never happens to me.
A month is a long time to be away from someone and to not miss them...
Jul. 11th, 2009 @ 12:37 pm
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"I think it's okay that you get so annoyed with me... it just means you like me even more when you aren't, right?" "Right!!"
I love this boy. Even if he tries to make me sing on command.
3 weeks yesterday.
Jul. 10th, 2009 @ 02:19 pm
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We spent the whole weekend together. We didn't manage to find a spot to see fireworks or "do important things", but in the end it really doesn't matter.
I woke up this morning to find us holding hands in our sleep. <3
When we went to get smoothies this afternoon, I had to stop myself from dancing around the store and settled on just swinging our arms, such as little kids do when they're happy.
Jul. 5th, 2009 @ 09:37 pm
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I had a dream that we had a school play on a far-away island. Somehow, some evil mastermind had managed to turn everyone into the costumes they were wearing, and I was running up and down the isles before the play started, trying to remind everyone who they were. I managed to get some people back to normal and they were trying to get to the others. I went outside to check on some animal familiar that I had brought with me and then tried to go back to the play to save everyone else. A fire alarm was going off and I ran through the in the service sectors, trying to get back to everyone. I went into the wrong door and interrupted a handicapped performance. A little girl had gotten out of her wheelchair and was doing ballet among debris on stage. I ran past and through the door after smiling at her. I couldn't get back to the play. I ended up outside the building, sitting on the curb with no pants on. Luckily I had a whole bunch of jeans in a backpack next to me. I was just pulling on a pair that didn't quite seem to fit when Rachel came over and sat with me. She said she wanted to talk. In a tiny voice she managed to get out that ever since we were young, she had really liked me and she wondered if possibly, I could like her too. I put my arm around her (I didn't have the heart to tell her about Ryan, although I was going to try) and she told me she really liked the red pants. I was confused and so I looked into my bag. I laughed and said they weren't pants, just a bunch of fabric left over from a costume I had made. She pouted. We sat in my car listening to music when the engine turned on. She had a large stick and she poked under the car with it. A black cat said "ouch!" - he was hotwiring my car. I got so mad... and somehow managed to spill french fries all over my car.
I remember being in my dad's neighbourhood. I think I was going to drop off the tools the cat was using at his house so that the cat couldn't have them and they wouldn't go to waste. I remember needing expensive plane tickets to get back to the island to save everyone, but it all blurred together because I woke up.
Moral of the story: don't fall asleep on the couch reading Anansi Boys.
Jul. 1st, 2009 @ 08:22 pm
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I had a dream that Neil Scarypants Gaiman came to the area to do a booksigning and we let him stay with us. We drove to some large shopping center with a book store or a library or something. I grinned so big, just tromping along next to him. No one knew or recognized who he was, but *I* did. We went into the building and there were a lot of people, but again no one seemed to have any idea. I sat down at a front table and he went back out to the car to get something, and behind me all I could hear was a librarian trying to take black scuff-marks off the floor. I wanted to yell at her, "those are MISTER Neil Gaiman's scuff-marks and any real librarian should be proud to have them and point at them every chance she gets to say that 'He was here!'"
Then I woke up.
Wouldn't it be lovely to be an assistant like that?
Jun. 25th, 2009 @ 06:51 am
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Caption reads: And finally there's the classic backhanded compliment: "You're #1...
...at beating orange bunnies with a baseball bat.*"
Jun. 23rd, 2009 @ 08:32 am
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...is running for LiveJournal advisory board.
You can read about what he wants to accomplish here, and vote via the link on his journal (link goes to WHERE you can vote, not just to vote for him.)
He is a really charming man who seems to have it together - LJ wouldn't be amiss with him on Board!
<3
Jun. 22nd, 2009 @ 01:15 pm
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Scary story, driving home tonight in the dark. There's a car going really slow. It's got out of state plates, so I'm like fine whatever and slow down. Then it fucking STOPS in the middle of the road for no reason and just as I'm about to go around him, he SPEEDS UP AND TAKES OFF. So, again, fine whatever... Then he dashes into the lane next to me, slows down, GETS BEHIND ME and starts TAILGATING ME. When I'm about to change lanes, he gets NEXT TO ME and is just in my blind spot (which is really freaky because I was scared about what he was going to do). I was just about to go left on a side street (I needed to get into his lane to go right, but there was no way!), he JETS off on some road and disappears.
Scariest driving experience yet, even including getting into a car accident!!
He MUST have been on something. I seriously was afraid. o.O
Jun. 6th, 2009 @ 03:03 am
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Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer are.. dating?!
My head just officially exploded from jealousy.
Jun. 5th, 2009 @ 06:29 am
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I found a dried up flower the bi-polar boy gave me ages ago.
It went right the hell into the trash.
Good riddance.
Jun. 1st, 2009 @ 07:21 am
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Sometimes I wish I were more articulate.
Beth's entries about love make me want to cry every time. (Even the happy ones.)
Time to break out the ice cream and Buffy.
May. 30th, 2009 @ 02:26 pm
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